I'm sure you are all aware of this on twitter but just in case there is anyone who isn't then you are missing out. As good as anything on the internet!
notBigSam @TheBig_Sam A pint of mild with Haddaway, as we make our final selections for our Euro 2012 fantasy football teams. I'm having a fucking blast.
"Sammy don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more," he sang, as I swooped in for Schweinsteiger and Llorente. What a fucking character he is.
Look at little Clarence Seedorf in the BBC studio, there. What a dreamboat. I bet he smells fucking amazing. A class act.
Don't want to be crude, but imagine being fingered by Clarence Seedorf. His soft, experienced fingers. Inside you. Fuck, I'm getting chills.
And now we go from Clarence's sweet, soulful tones back to Mark Bright sounding like an anxious, confused cretin, trapped in a lift.
Got my sports science team to put together a video reel, full of clips of all those gorgeous European girls captured on camera at Euro 2012.
It was a thing of fucking beauty, full of slow-motion transitions and soundtracked by Explosions in the Sky. My cock was out within seconds.
But the c*nts have fucking done me. Everyone at West Ham knows I usually blow my bugle at around the seven minute-mark during a wank.
So what did these fucks do? Stuck in a picture of a child's doll at 6 mins & 59 seconds. c*nts. I couldn't stop. I just... I couldn't stop.
I looked on it horror as my shaft exploded like a bottle of disturbed Yop, while the doll's innocent, smiling face looked coldly back at me.
I feel fucking sick. Thank Christ the wife was inhaling solvents in the bathroom. If she had caught me I'd be on the fucking news right now.
Tried to make some notes about potential transfer targets during this game, but all I've done is scrawl "Lawro is a c*nt" 246 times. c*nt.
Shameful scenes in Donetsk. To mince off the pitch due to a bit of drizzle and some lightning is, frankly, disgusting. Big poofs.
If I was there, I'd be standing slap bang in the centre circle, with my magnificent Viking sword, Trudy, pointed high to the heavens.
"Strike me!" I'd roar. "Strike me, oh gods of thunder, so that I may harness and use your electrical power for my own extraordinary ends."
I'd then stride awesomely around the pitch, zapping dickheads in the crowd with my mystical blade. I'd start with those c*nts in face-paint.
And what the fuck is Townsend wearing? Is he off pheasant-shooting afterwards? The big-nosed dork.
True story - Andy Townsend once asked me and the wife to have a threesome with him. A "daisy-chain fuckfest," he promised.
"I'll sling my tadger up your missus, champ, while buggering you senseless with my big old conk," he said. I put the phone down immediately.
I stood by the phone for a full 13 minutes in the dark, just imagining things. It was 1994. He had those blonde highlights. I'm only human.
Great result in the game tonight. Proud to be an Englishman. Do girl dog's have clits? Been wondering about that all day.
As I was out roller-skating in the park yesterday, I came across a dog taking a shit. Upon further inspection I noticed it had a minge.
As the hound was dragging its filthy ringpiece across the grass, its eyes rolled skywards in what can only be described as orgasmic fervour.
Which leads me to believe lady mutts must have a cheeky clitoris tucked away somewhere. Lovely cross from Gerrard for the goal tonight.
Is Jonathan Pearce's wife in Warsaw tonight? If so, she's getting "Ronaldo 7" scribbled on her back, and her arsehole is getting destroyed.
“@TheBig_Sam: Just had a three-way Skype chat with The Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase and Virgil. Just an absolutely cracking way to spend 45 minutes.”
“@TheBig_Sam: By now Virgil is attacking his own laptop he's so angry. So Ted stands up & he's wearing nowt downstairs apart from his Million Dollar Belt.”
OFF HAND
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Sun Oct 09, 2011 12:08 pm
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