The teacher is going over vocabulary and talking about sickness. "a sentence for 'disease'" she says, and Margaret's hand shoots up, "Johnny's dog has a disease." "I surely hope not, but correct usage. How about 'immune'?" she asks. Again, Margie's hand like a bolt, "Mother says we are immune to the sickness of the poor." with a grimace the teacher proceeds,"Ok, how about a tough one 'contagious'?", and while Margaret thinks about it, little Johnny's hand fires up. "my pa says, "if Margaret's father keeps trying to paint the house with a 2" brush, it'll take the contagious."
"I live for myself and answer to no one." ~ Steve McQueen. " I wear what I like and I like what I wear." ~ Adam. " It's always been just part of the culture. Growing up, for most working-class kids, is all about football, music and clothes. You might not have much money, but whatever you have got, you're going to look good." ~ Weller.
I learned about Ghandi from a pub quiz the other night. Turns out the footwear he wore, or lack of left his skin rather rough. And his diet left him both frail and with indefeatable bad breath. And to be frank, I never understood his beliefs.
Might say he's a super-calloused-fragile-mystic-hexed-with-halitosis.
What's the difference between Arsene Wenger and Jimmy Saville? If u went with jimmy saville at least you'd have a medal!!
Eye's right, skin back tight, bollocks to the front, we're the boy's who make more noise when we're on the cunt, we're the riders of the night, and we'd rather fuck than fight, we're the riders of the Clock end Highbury
Paddy phones up ad mag and asks "how much is it to advertise"? The lady says"50p an inch" paddy says oh fuck that i cant afford it, the lady says"why what you selling" paddy says "a 30 foot ladder"
............... I was at a fancy dress party the other night when a big fat girl came over to me. She blushed and said, "I really fancy you." "Calm down" I replied, "it's just a costume, I'm not a real fuckin doughnut!"
.............
I've finally found something the Wife's arse does not look big in...........
The fucking distance
SIX FEET OF SEPARATION: Scientists have predicted that by 2035 you'll never be more than Six Feet away from an ex-Chelsea manager.
A Cavan driver is pulled over by a Garda on the N3 from Dublin on his way home. The Garda approaches the driver's door.
"Is there a problem Garda ?"
The Garda says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The Cavan man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The Garda is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The Garda says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The Garda says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the Garda is getting irate. "You what!?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Garda looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five Garda cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior Garda from the serious crimes squad slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
The senior Garda says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem Garda ?"
"One of my men told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The Garda responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The Garda says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.
The Garda, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my Garda claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the Garda. The Garda opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my Gardas told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"
Man goes in the travel agents he asks.Where's the best place to go on holiday.The agent asks"Who do you support" "United" he replies Agent"You can't beat the Canaries this time of year"
Just bought one of them Stick Deodorant's.......... they're shite!
The instructions said: 'remove lid & push up bottom'
I did - my pits are still sweaty and I can hardly walk.
Stoke Manderville hospital have banned Santa Claus this year
a spokesman for the hospital said,
"it is just a bit too soon for a white haired man to come to the children's ward and empty his sack"
OFF HAND
Print view
Wed Oct 03, 2012 4:34 am
reply
