An englishman, paddy and a jock were lost in amazon and were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king tells his prisoners that he will let them live if they pass a trial The first part of the trial was to go into the forest and find ten peices of the same fruit.
The three of them go there separate ways to collect the fruit.
paddy comes back and tells the king "i've brought ten apples."
The king explaind the trail to him. "You have to stick the fruits up your arse without showing any expression on your face or you'll be killed."
The first apple go's in but on the second he wince's in pain and was killed.
jock and arrives with ten berries and the king expaines the trial to him and jock thinks that should be easy.
1..2..3..4...5...6...7...8 but on the ninth he bursts out laughing and was killed.
paddy meets jock in heaven and say's,"why did you laugh you nearly got away with it ?
jock tells him," i couldn't help it i saw the englishman returning with pineapple's".
Two caterpillars are walking along a road One looks up and see's a Butterfly He turns to the other one and says You'll never get me up in one of those......
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You Can Never Be Overdressed Or Overeducated - Oscar Wilde
Wanted CP Melville Parka - 50 - Cash Waiting - Must Be Mint CP Urban Protection - Munch - 50 - Must Be Complete
A man comes home from work n catches his mate shagging his wife, so he stabs him to death, his wife says you'll have no mates left if you carry on like that
How do you get a fat girl into bed? Piece of cake!
I was walking down the road when I saw a woman holding a placard that read;"Women are not just sexual objects - Honk if you agree!"So I squeezed one of her tits and said, "Honk."
After leaving in a rush this morning without seeing my wife, I decided to write her a note wishing her a Happy International Women's Day and I was struggling to find a place for her to find it.
So in the end, I slid it under the kitchen door with my dinner order
I fell off my bike earlier and my helmet saved my life.
Completely ruined my sex life though.
I came home drunk on Sunday night and my wife wasn't happy. "How much have you had to drink?" she asked, staring at me "Nothing" I slurred. "Look at me!" she shouted, "It's either me or the pub, which one is it?" I paused for a second and said, "It's you, I can tell by the voice."
Saying "whoever smelt it dealt it" doesn't work when it comes to airport sniffer dogs, apparently.
I just watched show where Jamie Oliver said that I shouldnt be afraid to buy things from the 'reduced price' shelf because I can make a family meal from what I find there......... just hope the kids like their shoelace, WD40 and cat food casserole.
Two Irish men are watching a rottweiler licking it's balls.Paddy turns to Murphy and say's " I wish I could do that" Murphy says " I'd stroke him first,he looks a vicious Bastard"
boy lying in his cell one night ,,,, the cell door swings open and is thrown a 6ft 6 darkie,, the darkie adjusts himself and pulls out his walloper and procedes tae smash the cell up tae fuck wae his walloper ,,, he turns tae his cell mate and says "IM GONNA SHOVE THIS RIGHT UP YOUR ARSE" ,,,, the cell mate says " THANK FUCK ,, I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA HIT ME WITH IT " ,,
IF YOU WANT A PICTURE OF THE FUTURE, IMAGINE A BOOT STAMPING ON A HUMAN FACE ---FOREVER !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
clubbers in yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to inject ecstasy directly into their mouths.. this dangerous practise is known as, ....;E BYE GUM...
OFF HAND
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Thu Feb 23, 2012 9:54 pm
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