Quote by The IndividualA wench who used to go out with my uncle for a few years was sat in a bar I used to drink in, I went over on my own just for a chat and when I asked her where her mates were she replied she was on her own as she was feeling a bit fruity and was out for picking a fella up, within a pint we were in her car in agreement she dropped me back to the lads after but it was on her term's, happy days I thought all good and she drove to a block of apartments where my uncle lived and asked me to fuck her on the bonnet of his car park, I obliged and she thought she had one up on my uncle (who's a bit of a boy as well). I kept her pants and told my uncle the next day who laughed his head off, was only 17 at the time.
When I met my now wife and we were starting out I was pretty lairy at the time and into all sorts but at the time big into internet dating and swinging, I used to upload my profile and swan off as much as I could on the train countrywide and have a dabble, bored wives couples singles whatever, I used different usernames so as to not get twinned on different boards, and on the one Costa Del Swing I used a name I used quite regular as Hoolio Turtle (which I had on an old st georges flag from touring away-just a laugh really), my mrs unearthed my flag once and little did I know she was a bit insecure and a bit clued up, she rung me one day and started out being nice then question's started thick and fast "how many birds you been with" "am I only seeing her" "where are we going" and the like, I said stop being daft and she then reeled off various fetishes and things I was "into" on my profile, she had googled Hoolio Turtle to see what cropped up and there I was larger than life on Costa Del Swing, I denied it furiously until she reeled off the last comment from me on there and read it out to me "6' 3 male from tipton happy to travel into swinging dogging wife filming etc etc" But we did get through it all.
A girl I was messing around with up West Brom a good while back we used to meet up after work and just play around really, she was filth and wanted to play out various themes (her favourite was rape which was odd at times, odd but quality) and she said to me the one day do I ever wonder what she's like with other men ? I said not really I've never thought of it, she said would I mind trying something new, yeah go on then, she explained how she wanted me to watch her fuck another guy but him not know, so a week odd later I went over and had a drink and that and waited for her text she was on the way, so I hid in the sliding wardrobe and watched her walk in the room with this guy and fuck him on a stool, when he finished she literally told him to fuck off and on his exit she was rampant, absolutely ruined me, great girl, ended up swinging with her as a couple but she lost the plot in the end and went a bit mental, bumped into her after an Albion game 2 years back she was with her girlfriend holding hands, turned into a dyke.
All fucking quality
Come to think of it, was it you that said the once on exiles you collected loads of knicker's and had em all over your wall ??
I can't be arsed going into details. Not had any as entertaining as the previous. But mine involve, shagging a bird against a wall in a dark corridoor of a club, then realising it was against an office door when some bloke tried to get out ended up shagging a girl I pulled in Leadmill in my ex-misses bed (she was on holiday at the time) a threesome at an afterparty, I didn't realise there was two lads asleep on the floor in the same room until I stood on them to get up the next morning being caught in the act by Fireman while the building was on fire,
Quote by soul_stylistI know a few of the Younger Walsall boys
Just thought of another - had my ex on the counter in the kitchen in my old flat when my flatmate came home. Luckily he went straight into his room giving me time to pull my jeans up!
Phil - I've been one of those blokes before. Crashed on this birds floor to find her with her fella the next morning. Awkward that was!
Quote by sauzee88Just thought of another - Phil - I've been one of those blokes before. Crashed on this birds floor to find her with her fella the next morning. Awkward that was!
I went home twice with this mutton dressed as lamb sort and only clocked she had a husband the second time around ,while I was balls deep in her.
Of course I finished and then promptly fucked off.
Wouldn't readily go and shag another fellas bird if I could help it though.
Quote by Chinese_alanCome to think of it, was it you that said the once on exiles you collected loads of knicker's and had em all over your wall ??
Yeah, disgusting wasn't I.
Got great story's about a couple of our secretary's and our stores woman too but every time I tried to type it out my mrs sat down next to me and I had to start spouting shite about clothing
I used to have banter with a couple of our secretaries, Christine was mid 40's and Leigh was late 30's, I used to go in and play them up and they used to chat openly how bored they were, husband just drinks and watches telly. To cut a long story short we got talking about my cock over a period of weeks that they just used to mess about but fob it all off, so I took a photo and printed it off leaving 1 Copy for each of them on their desks, that week Christine took me up to the boiler room and Leigh used to take me out for lunch, neither of them knew I used to fuck the other one and I'd rotate them on different days, I thought it was a great game but being the age they were I'd imagine now they both probably knew and I was their game, either way it was great until they left.
When I was in my late teens I pulled this bird in Walsall on a night out, ended up going back to hers and staying up all night on gear and fucking, she was asking me loads of questions what I was into and that, never thought about it and she dropped back to my town the next day, I gave her a fake number and was on my way, she obviously tried this number and when she did much to my surprise I had a call from the landlord of my local that this girl had been in and was asking for my number or address if anyone knew me as I must have told her where I drink, which thankfully the lads in there were obviously in a good mood and spared me by not telling her, I thought no more of it until a week later when I had a phone call off my mother who said I should be ashamed of myself, this girl had told her aunts everything and when she mentioned my name her aunt recognised my surname from my mother who worked in sainsburys in oldbury, they all went to my mothers work and questioned her on whether I was her son then continuously slated me, I had a dogs life for weeks, I bumped into her in Walsall 3 years later and took great pleasure in throwing her glass of wine in my face much to the cheers of my muckas.
Quote by The IndividualWhen I was in my late teens I pulled this bird in Walsall on a night out, ended up going back to hers and staying up all night on gear and fucking, she was asking me loads of questions what I was into and that, never thought about it and she dropped back to my town the next day, I gave her a fake number and was on my way, she obviously tried this number and when she did much to my surprise I had a call from the landlord of my local that this girl had been in and was asking for my number or address if anyone knew me as I must have told her where I drink, which thankfully the lads in there were obviously in a good mood and spared me by not telling her, I thought no more of it until a week later when I had a phone call off my mother who said I should be ashamed of myself, this girl had told her aunts everything and when she mentioned my name her aunt recognised my surname from my mother who worked in sainsburys in oldbury, they all went to my mothers work and questioned her on whether I was her son then continuously slated me, I had a dogs life for weeks, I bumped into her in Walsall 3 years later and took great pleasure in throwing her glass of wine in my face much to the cheers of my muckas.
some birds are so touchy, eh S. fucksake, not like giving a false number is unheard off. Unless of course, you've omitted to tell us you actually said you'd marry her but then did a runner Bing Crosby/Bob Hope style....
"The nightmares invading the sleep of Bayern fans involve four horsemen of the Champions League Apocalypse riding towards them. As the faces come into focus, they will recognise Frank Lampard, Cole, Petr Cech and Drogba. All were immense..."
I don't have any anywhere near as nuts as the previous ones. Shagged a bird while her mate watched, that's about as strange as it has been haha. What a bore.
I have shagged a premiership footballers bird though, that's all I will say on that though, I'm a gentleman.
Quote by Horse & Houndhaha cracking thread. Got talking to this bird out on the town one weekend, having a good laugh flirting and the like so thought I could be in here but was having a few issues getting the 3" diamond cutter to preform when id been on the lash so asked a mate to give me one of these magical blue pills he always keeps on him. Anyway sure as sugar start necking on with the bird and hop in a taxi back to mine, after 10 minutes rolling about on the sofa im seeing no life in the old boy so go to the bathroom to take this pill, get the thing out my pocket and its like a fucking horse pill was the size of a fist! Think fuck it and swallow it down anway but all of a sudden start choking and i mean propper choking couldnt breathe, turning blue the lot! Anyway must have passed out on the bathroom floor at this point then all of a sudden I wake up with a massive shock, the birds only got me in the heimlich manouver! She gives me a massive squeeze and the thing shoots out my throat and onto the bathroom floor, as if nearly choking to death wasnt bad enough we were both now sat on the bathroom floor staring at this viagra pill the size of a housebrick, awkward silence so I decide to break the tension by making a joke "think ive gotta stiff neck now" not suprisingly she promptley fucked off and never saw her again! Fucking hell what a nightmare I was nearly ended by a viagra pill
got one that's not so much sex but woman related anyways. I was 17 and Saturday nights we used to hire a bus to a club in Banbridge around 30 miles outside Belfast. It became well known locally as it was one of the few progressive clubs that kept in synch with what was happening in the rest of the UK. Anyways, I waiting on the bus pick-up on my tod for a change so bought a carry out for waiting and travelling. 14 tins of bud. The bus was late by which time I'd KO'd 10 bud and drank the rest on the way. Got in the club, had the sense to side step an 'E' but partook in a couple lethal rockets. So by now, I'm well gone. Anyways, a bird I'd met a few times at the club and I was kinda seeing casually came over to get me up to dance. Now, everyones off their head so all my mates are on the floor so I decide to go with her - seemed like a decent idea and all that. As soon as I stand up, I know I'm not in good shape and feel a little ill but it all feels a blur. Got the dance floor, the bird leans in and snogs me and for a few seconds I kinda drift away almost.... and then bang, she recoils in horror. Not realising, I started dancing for about 5 seconds before I saw what had happend. I'd just vomited in her mouth...and down my top, and didn't even realise! Her and her mates went from stunned to furious in seconds. talk about wanting to rip my head off. But as I was fucked I stood there before literally flapping in the wind until a couple of mates jumped in like a SWAT team to get me offside. She was a cracking looking bird too....
"The nightmares invading the sleep of Bayern fans involve four horsemen of the Champions League Apocalypse riding towards them. As the faces come into focus, they will recognise Frank Lampard, Cole, Petr Cech and Drogba. All were immense..."
Quote by The IndividualI was just highlighting how scary some birds are Glenn, predatory they won't stop until they have their meat.
aye mate, some just think a one nighter means you're an item. some good tales there, Shaun
"The nightmares invading the sleep of Bayern fans involve four horsemen of the Champions League Apocalypse riding towards them. As the faces come into focus, they will recognise Frank Lampard, Cole, Petr Cech and Drogba. All were immense..."
We've got this storeswoman at work, she was early 40s when she started. Bit shy, overweight but giggly, I used to go in there and just chat but as the ice broke within a couple of weeks we were chatting sex, she was married but not getting anything so I started bringing her porn in, then we started talking about the porn and what she liked watching most, then we started watching it on her pc late afternoons, sad this but when I started getting arroused I used to push my mid rif on her and kind of grind her arm as she was sat there, she never said anything but never stopped me either, the next week usual routine around 3 o clock in I went and would her up, watching this porn she jumped our of her seat pushed me back and sucked me off, finished and I walked out, now this happened a few times and she loved doing it but she was a big girl and I never thought anything else, she was getting a thrill and so was I wasting the last hour of work, this went on for a few months up to Xmas when on our last day people were breaking up early or going for dinner etc and I found myself on my own and she was too, she shouted me to come into the office which I did and when I was in she locked the fucking door, I was twitching a bit now as I knew what was coming, she took these massive trousers off and just bent over her desk requesting that I fuck her and that it was now my turn to satisfy her, I'm not joking it was disgusting, I don't even know how I found my way into her, it was no way out so I started seeing the funny side and reached for my phone to start taking photos, she slapped my hand down and my phone on the floor and shouted at me "just fuck me!!!" which had me in pieces I couldn't stop laughing and was slowly losing my mojo, so she reached onto her drawer and pulled out this White vibrator and made me hand fuck her from behind until she cum, was horrendous and stunk, when I finished she gave me the key and I got out and went home, I still don't know whether it was worth doing just for the experience or if it was just a horrible experience, still it's done now and turns out it wasnt the last time I was gonna shag her, all were equally as bad mind.
When I was with my first proper Mrs, about 12 years ago, we were getting up to the usual experimental stuff that you do in your teens and after a good hour of pissing about on her bed, we started play fighting as you do and she decided to kick me off the bed! Fully starkers a got a bit ratty and could feel a fart brewing...
So I jumped up and spun round and parted my arse cheeks in her generally direction. Now this wasn't any ordinary trump. I let out a almighty rumble and was very pleased with myself. All I heard was a massive scream so the smile dropped off my face as I turned round and saw what had happened...
Looks like some kind of flying UFO mini turd had flown out of my arse and landed on her biege carpet?
For a second I thought 'be reet' but then saw her fly out the door and heard her shouting her mum down the stairs! Within minutes I heard them both coming back up so jumped into the bed to cover my naked self.
All I then saw was the door come ajar slighty and a mini bucket appear with all kind of cleaning utensils...
Lets just say I did not really see her mother in the same way again...
I saw her at a wedding last year and pretended to do the same when bladdered (but with clothes on) and thank fuck she found it funny.
Had a good crack with her aswell. All we used to do was play tennis all summer then fuck on the tennis court at the girls school near where she lived.
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Thu Sep 08, 2011 12:33 am (Last edited: Thu Sep 08, 2011 1:02 am)
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some good tales there, Shaun 
